Gambling on â€¦ the BBAR

THE top twelve of the BBAR are pressing their trousers and trimming their sideburns (or is it sideboards?) ready for the Rainbow Room presentations.
Some will be young blades, sharp dressers and with thick manes of hair, more settled than in the streamlining summer winds. Most of them will represent the youth of our sport and require little grooming, but some, those who haves felt the annual blow fall more often, will need some more strategic rejuvenation that evening. It will include a snappy, coloured shirt, the combing of strands across gleaming scalps, careful as flower arranging and even perhaps a little eyebrow clipping.
As their time comes each will step briskly forward with a firm athlete’s stride. Everyone will admire them for their feats, but the mystery has gone, for we all know how it is done. They explained it in Cycling’s graphic feature in which they turned the spotlight back on themselves and told us all. You will remember the piece that put them in focus and supplied a self-analysis that highlighted their methods, physique and views.
Probably those of us who claim to be racing men were particularly interested in the training programmes. Oddly enough they varied to an extraordinary degree, yet arrived at exactly the same result over seven months’ racing, give or take a mile an hour.
Which of them can we emulate? Look at the champion Phil Griffiths’ set-up that starts with a complete lay-off until Christmas. Fine, I am right up with him so far. Then, suddenly, in two short, sharp wintry months, he has 3,000 miles on the board, all before my tubulars are pumped up and rust chipped off lamps. Mind you, it is "just a steady 20mph". ‘Evens’ is steady? With fat where muscles used to be? With snow coming straight from the North Pole?
Let’s look at another, Mick Potts, in ninth place, compiled 120-150 miles per week up to the end of the year and 250-350 onwards from January. Quick let’s find somebody else more human. Pete Wood, two positions up, hardly touched his bike until March. Tries to go out whenever possible. Seems a sensible, well-formulated plan, not leaning towards too much hysterical mile-eating.
Rather like my own campaign really. So what happened to me? Of course, I am not the same size. He is a chunky 5 foot 8 inches, and I stand another six inches taller, without my shoes plates. Vic Smith and Tom Mullins are also the wrong shape for me to copy.
In fact, there isn’t anyone my size in the table, so things begin to look pretty hopeless. Martyn Roach is a little less in height but look at his weight - 12 stones of tough bone and fibre. Compare that with my stripped 13st 4lb that so excites the scales’ needle it quivers for ten minutes. Sometimes, if I stand near the front edge, draw my stomach in and hold my breath, a pound can seemingly shed. But what good is that if Potts, at 6 foot 4 inches has a stone less to drag up hills? Anyway, there doesn’t seem a common denominator in size with the motley crew.
It’s in the food, that’s where it is. Runner-up Bob Porter has a diet of apples and cheese, Robin Buchan likes salads, Jeff Marshall prefers casseroles and Graham Mann is kinky about rhubarb.
Did he manage a 12-hour on that?
Nothing much to nibble on there. Hello, just a minute - Griffiths, Roach and Roger Francis are yoghurt people! We may be on to something here. The trouble is that I detest yoghurt.
Anyway, I’m married. What’s that got to do with it? Well, Messrs. Griffiths, Roach and Francis are single, that’s what. When you are on your own you have to eat yoghurt. Probably eaten on the move. Ron Spencer will probably find something like that handy if he is up late in the morning and riding 15 miles to work. Mind you, he has a liking for egg and chips and they don’t come easily to the hand from a musette or saddlebag.
What’s the most important item on their bikes? Gears - that might be the key. Oh dear, the first six have gone all continental with that fancy 54 x 13 business. Translating that into the language that I understand, it is clear that Griffiths is using 112 down the hills. But what about the top gears of the others? Porter, Marshall and Mann with 56 x 14 and Buchan 52 x 13 are pushing 108 along with no-nonsense Pete, Big Mick and Yoghurt Roger, who tell us straight out. See I’ve looked at this chart so long I’m beginning to feel I know them well.
Still nothing with which to connect them with any of my disordered arrangements that masquerade as a training plan.
Look at their feet! Phil and Bob are in 10 ½ shoes and Martyn is only half a size less! However do I get by with my little 8½s stuck into minute clips? If you want to get ahead get some feet. Anyway, short of consulting a foot stretcher there is nothing for me there.
It is well known that summer babies are the more healthy, so let’s have a look. Here we are again. Four of the 12 born in glacial March, among them Phil and Bob, only fives days apart, ignoring the years. Perhaps that is the missing link.
Maybe it’s all in the stars. They define the character, aptitudes and abilities of everyone, so the BAR set must be included too.
Griffiths is on the top end of Pisces and Porter at the bottom end of Aries. Anyone born under Leo? My birthday is July 25. Not one Leo. Ok I give up.